Monday, September 27, 2010
at
Monday, September 27, 2010
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I broke a 10-year jinx yesterday, I went to church. The beliefs and the usual hearty excitement remain strong on and off the pulpit – there are a couple of side attractions here and there though, our pastor has acquired more goliath-like bodyguards with full armor. The congregation has more women with full -flaunted-option, and the men are now more ostentatious by default. So keeping my stray mind focused for more than 30 seconds was like a miracle.
Just before the sermon was the testimony time. Bra Jacob opened the floor without delay.
“I want to bless God for what he’s done in my life, yesterday I wanted to iron my clothes but there was no light in my neighborhood. I prayed and NEPA brought light. Praise the lord!”
In my mind, I wished someone could shoot ‘bra Jacob’ from the congregation, maybe that would give him a better testimony. The only reasonable thing about the testimony is that it is unreasonably brief. I hope the next testimony is not about NITEL not taking care of their loose cables after winding up; because I’ll be so pissed!
It was bra Michael’s turn, He looked more matured and cool, he mounted the pulpit meticulously and reached for the microphone, unlike bra Jacob who practically ran from his seat with so much glee like he was called for Oscar and still ended up ‘falling our hands’.
Coy bra Michael’s eyes travelled round the four walls of the church auditorium full of we-can’t- wait audience। He swept his baldhead with his left hand as he ‘strangled’ the microphone with his right. Somehow, he found the courage to start.
“Well if you asked me if I was a sinner I would say yes – he who’s without sin cast the first stone! As you all know I got married 2 years ago.” Many smiled back at him to affirm his statement. He continued. “Before I got married, my appetite for adventure needed not just a meal but a feast. If I were to convert my sexual urge to a political ambition, it will match perfectly with Babangida’s gluttonous drive for power. I over- indulged myself in pornography, I had almost all the collections you can think of - Asian, ebony, naughty nurses, I even had some Nigerian ones before now…”
At this minute, I could see many infuriated faces suing bra Michael for too much information already. As for me, I couldn’t be bothered; anything but bra Jacob’s testimony is good. Moreover, It was the best time to put my sift-silver -from -the -dross technique to use.
Unapologetic bra Michael continued with his testimony. “But now God has given me my missing rib, someone who understands my flaws, she does not nail me rather she appreciates and encourages me. I don’t have all those collections again.” Pastor’s countenance at this point was not explicit but I could see him taking a deep breath.
“But the few ones I kept, we watch and enjoy practicing them.” Bra Michael exclaimed.
Our Pastor and some other church members jumped out of their seats, it looked like they were going to give bra Michael a standing ovation but no, shock and disappointment pushed pastor out of his seat and the other people were trying to vacate a 10-seater for Bra Michael to rest his porn self.
It was time for the day’s sermon, I had to depend on my bible’s table of content to find the book of Mathew and Exodus and Luke, and …I mean it was as if someone had reshuffled the whole content. I roamed my eyes stealthily around the auditorium to see if I was the only one in this go-slow situation only to find out how archaic I was – While I struggled with my encyclopedia’s identical twin bible, others had iPads and smart phones to check scriptures and take notes. I turned to the dude on my left and asked: “scuse me, I know the book of first chronicles is in the old testament, where is second chronicles.” The guy replied “Oh, you don’t know where second chronicles is, I don’t know either, you might have to google it!” My sincere response: Okay I get the point I know I’ve been away for too long but I have a question for you, how much did you sell your brain to google? But for political correctness I buried my sincerity and said – alright thank you.
My mind travelled back to what led to my long sabbatical from every Sunday church. I could not figure it out so easily but I could remember collating my thoughts at some point and making a stunning presentation to my parents on why I wanted to stop going to school; to my surprise, I got a ‘Yes’ on the spot. So, the following Month the Oliver twist in me asked for more gruel - I told my parents I was going to quit going to church too. My excuse was that I had allergic sensitivity to the sheer hypocrisy in church. Unfortunately, for me this is what they heard: “Dad, Mom Al-Qaeda and Al-shabaab have been talking to me for some time now; they want me to lace my underwear with an explosive device on Christmas day. Although I’ve agreed to do it, I just thought I should let you know.” The next morning all those pesky Uncles and Aunties (who attend family meetings for a living) had come to discuss my issue.
I drifted back to the sermon and before I knew it, it was THE GRACE. Yes the grace, the same I thought bra Michael would enjoy from church members who already stoned him to death in their minds. At the church gate bra smart (bra michael’s old friend) was trying to teach him how not to say everything.
“What was that about mister? How familiar are these words to you; open your mouth and wallet cautiously cause my friend once the meal is served fetching the salt is difficult. You brought whatever shame you get on yourself. By the way, you said you have some Nigerian ones, I never knew there was something like that ; I wouldn’t mind if you can spare one.”
Just before the sermon was the testimony time. Bra Jacob opened the floor without delay.
“I want to bless God for what he’s done in my life, yesterday I wanted to iron my clothes but there was no light in my neighborhood. I prayed and NEPA brought light. Praise the lord!”
In my mind, I wished someone could shoot ‘bra Jacob’ from the congregation, maybe that would give him a better testimony. The only reasonable thing about the testimony is that it is unreasonably brief. I hope the next testimony is not about NITEL not taking care of their loose cables after winding up; because I’ll be so pissed!
It was bra Michael’s turn, He looked more matured and cool, he mounted the pulpit meticulously and reached for the microphone, unlike bra Jacob who practically ran from his seat with so much glee like he was called for Oscar and still ended up ‘falling our hands’.
Coy bra Michael’s eyes travelled round the four walls of the church auditorium full of we-can’t- wait audience। He swept his baldhead with his left hand as he ‘strangled’ the microphone with his right. Somehow, he found the courage to start.
“Well if you asked me if I was a sinner I would say yes – he who’s without sin cast the first stone! As you all know I got married 2 years ago.” Many smiled back at him to affirm his statement. He continued. “Before I got married, my appetite for adventure needed not just a meal but a feast. If I were to convert my sexual urge to a political ambition, it will match perfectly with Babangida’s gluttonous drive for power. I over- indulged myself in pornography, I had almost all the collections you can think of - Asian, ebony, naughty nurses, I even had some Nigerian ones before now…”
At this minute, I could see many infuriated faces suing bra Michael for too much information already. As for me, I couldn’t be bothered; anything but bra Jacob’s testimony is good. Moreover, It was the best time to put my sift-silver -from -the -dross technique to use.
Unapologetic bra Michael continued with his testimony. “But now God has given me my missing rib, someone who understands my flaws, she does not nail me rather she appreciates and encourages me. I don’t have all those collections again.” Pastor’s countenance at this point was not explicit but I could see him taking a deep breath.
“But the few ones I kept, we watch and enjoy practicing them.” Bra Michael exclaimed.
Our Pastor and some other church members jumped out of their seats, it looked like they were going to give bra Michael a standing ovation but no, shock and disappointment pushed pastor out of his seat and the other people were trying to vacate a 10-seater for Bra Michael to rest his porn self.
It was time for the day’s sermon, I had to depend on my bible’s table of content to find the book of Mathew and Exodus and Luke, and …I mean it was as if someone had reshuffled the whole content. I roamed my eyes stealthily around the auditorium to see if I was the only one in this go-slow situation only to find out how archaic I was – While I struggled with my encyclopedia’s identical twin bible, others had iPads and smart phones to check scriptures and take notes. I turned to the dude on my left and asked: “scuse me, I know the book of first chronicles is in the old testament, where is second chronicles.” The guy replied “Oh, you don’t know where second chronicles is, I don’t know either, you might have to google it!” My sincere response: Okay I get the point I know I’ve been away for too long but I have a question for you, how much did you sell your brain to google? But for political correctness I buried my sincerity and said – alright thank you.
My mind travelled back to what led to my long sabbatical from every Sunday church. I could not figure it out so easily but I could remember collating my thoughts at some point and making a stunning presentation to my parents on why I wanted to stop going to school; to my surprise, I got a ‘Yes’ on the spot. So, the following Month the Oliver twist in me asked for more gruel - I told my parents I was going to quit going to church too. My excuse was that I had allergic sensitivity to the sheer hypocrisy in church. Unfortunately, for me this is what they heard: “Dad, Mom Al-Qaeda and Al-shabaab have been talking to me for some time now; they want me to lace my underwear with an explosive device on Christmas day. Although I’ve agreed to do it, I just thought I should let you know.” The next morning all those pesky Uncles and Aunties (who attend family meetings for a living) had come to discuss my issue.
I drifted back to the sermon and before I knew it, it was THE GRACE. Yes the grace, the same I thought bra Michael would enjoy from church members who already stoned him to death in their minds. At the church gate bra smart (bra michael’s old friend) was trying to teach him how not to say everything.
“What was that about mister? How familiar are these words to you; open your mouth and wallet cautiously cause my friend once the meal is served fetching the salt is difficult. You brought whatever shame you get on yourself. By the way, you said you have some Nigerian ones, I never knew there was something like that ; I wouldn’t mind if you can spare one.”
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3 comments:
This is a very funny post. Very enjoyable. When I first started reading I thot you were talking about a true life situation but this is just one big comedy to be true.
Well done.
O ga o! Eleyii fa oju mi mora nitori pe ko ba e leru lati soju abe nikoo! Akiika! Bi o ti le je pe awon oro wonyi maa se opolopo omo Naijiria, mo ro wi pe o tona pe o pe akiyesi awon eniyan si iwa agabageba to po repete laarin awon alufaa ni orile ede yii. Mo faramo opolopo ero re. Ku ise!
Inu mi dun lopolopo wipe oferan ohun ti moko si ibiyi bi oti le je wipe aroko (fiction) ni... Thanx for stopping by.
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